I meet self-proclaimed Mr & Ms Fix-It’s on a regular basis. They tend to be easy to spot. Normally somewhat perplexed, or even angry, because they think their intentions are so good and no-one appreciates them.
Here’s the thing: No-one needs fixing. No-one likes feeling like their partner is trying to fix them. In intimate relationships this dynamic breeds resentment. Resentment is a slow, silent, and deadly killer of relational joy. Fixing can come in the form of overfunctioning. Women are guilty of this. I often meet women who are overfunctioning (and complaining they are doing too much) and yet can be reluctant to let go – to lose control. People feel it and it doesn’t feel good at all and they can slowly check-out. Terry Real refers to overfunctioning as a strategy of control.
Human beings feel good when they have a sense of mastery over their life. Taking care of life’s everyday challenges helps us feel a sense of accomplishment, pride, and confidence that we can handle what life throws at us. And those times when you don’t want to pay the bills, go to work, or clean the house, or go to the gym, yet you do it anyway — those times teach you the most.
- Don’t take someone’s opportunity to master life’s challenges away from them by doing things for them. Your over-doing teaches them to under-do.
- Don’t keep chasing after your partner when they shut down and refuse to speak to you. Your chasing teaches them that shutting down works — and enables a pattern of unhealthy withdrawal. Take a walk, soothe yourself, focus on you. Stop chasing now. Ask your partner: “What do you need from me so you feel safe to open up”. Listen. Like really listen to the reply. If the shutdown continues – work on your plan B. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to open up isn’t good for anyone.
- Don’t stay silent about a problem out of fear of the other person’s reactions. Your silence enables the behavior to continue and nothing will change. Speak up! Dare to rock the boat. If this doesn’t feel safe – get help because a healthy relationship means it is safe to talk about issues.
- Don’t apologise when your partner snaps at you. Your apologies send the message that your behavior caused their reaction and further enable their reactivity. Speak up! Dare to rock the boat. Again, if this doesn’t feel safe – get help.
- Don’t agree to do things a certain way just to calm your partner’s anxiety. This is a fast track to resentment and relationship misery. Allow them to manage their own anxiety rather than doing everything their way so they feel less anxious.
We are never responsible for our partners. We are only responsible for ourselves and how we show up to the people we love.
If you truly want to help the people you love, empower them to step up and take control of their lives. Let children drop the ball, fall, and try again on as many issues as possible. Let them feel the impact of their mistakes on the journey to adulting. Do the same for the adults in your life. Refuse to do things for others that they are able to do for themselves. If they choose not to manage their life, allow them to feel the consequences of their choices rather than cushioning them from life’s lessons.
Challenge: Next time you go to “help” someone. Stop. Be sure you’re truly helping them move forward. Did they ask for help? By not fixing, what are you feeling? Anxious? Take a minute to reflect on your experience, your feelings. Breathe.
